How to celebrate Valentine’s Day when you’re old and lazy

I’ve been married since the Feds sentenced Fat Tony Salerno to 100 years in prison for racketeering. (That’s 1987 for the non mafia-philes among you.)

The point is, I’ve been married a looooong time. Through all those years I’ve developed some insights into the married couple brain and I’m happy to share a few on the eve of humankind’s most challenging holiday.

In a word spoken most effectively by our beloved quarterback, who is, no doubt, not taking his own advice this weekend, relax.

Here are seven ways you can enjoy the holiday and wake up still married on Monday:

1. Jewelry. Don’t ask for it. A hand full of sparklers just draws attention to your February fingernails — you just looked at them, didn’t you? It’s not your fault. There hasn’t been a drop of moisture in the air since Rudolph shook that snow off his hoof back in December. Do yourself a favor. Tuck your bare, scaly hand back in that nice thick mitten and move on.
2. Breakfast in Bed. This is a win/win situation as far as I’m concerned. Whip up something delicious, deliver it with pride, and then dig in. It’s Saturday. An after breakfast nap may be just the thing to help you digest those strawberry chocolate pancakes you served and ate with love.
3. Gifts. Consider these carefully. I suggest a chore. Let other women fumble and squeeze themselves into grossly uncomfortable lingerie. Give me a freshly caulked bathtub every time. You’ve still got a few hours for an honest analysis of both your home improvement needs and your spouse’s repair capabilities. Use them wisely.
4. Date night. Some evenings are meant for little black dresses and big fat restaurant bills. This is not one of them. Save the harried-wait staff-tired tenderloin-strawberry-in-a-champagne-glass meals for the younguns. Valentine’s Day veterans know it’s the perfect night to jammy up and watch cool old movies at home.
5. Heart shaped food. You can fashion just about any food into a festive heart shape, making that leftover meatloaf you warmed up because it looked like it was about to go bad look like a feast you planned for weeks. Top it with ketchup and you’re good to go.
6. No worries. Weigh a little more or earn a little less than you’d like this year? No matter. Cupid runs on words, not roses or chocolates. Save these concerns for ordinary days. Tonight is all about the love, which brings me to…
7. Words. You really only need three of them to make this night a success. I love you. Say that out loud. To someone. Preferably your spouse.