I am in all probability the worst dating advice giver on the planet.
But, don’t take my daughter Katherine’s word for it. Consider the metrics: one dozen years of parental dating advice, four children, 0 children in-laws.
Want anecdotal evidence? How about the time I set my friend up with a nice young man whose over-eager dance floor twirl gave her a sweet first date shiner?
“Should we get some drinks?” I, a freaked out witness to the whole disaster and desperate seeker of distraction from her bruised and swelling socket, said brightly.
“I really think I need medical attention,” she replied. No second date there.
I once invited a girl to a baseball game and a boy to a blind date. Imagine the level of sustained tension I achieved when she bounded into the room dressed in full Brewer regalia, he nervously handed her a rose, and she said in genuine confusion, “What is this?” Nine innings! Nine innings of unadulterated awkward.
Why people seek my dating advice, I’ll never understand. And yet I cheerfully continue to dole it out.
“Go. Have fun! It’s not a marriage proposal, it’s just a date,” I said to my daughter in advance of an evening that ended in an actual and firmly declined offer of marriage.
“Draft off the current boyfriend and, when he trips up, you make your move,” I told my son, who looked at me, aghast.
“You can’t break up via text,” I told my daughter. “You should do it in person,” which created quite a conundrum when she followed my advice and her gentleman caller responded, via text, “You being classy enough to meet me in person just makes you more attractive.”
Really, what do I know?
Last Friday night I listened as my three adult children merrily recalled all the awful dating advice I’d given them through the years. Here, then, for them and for all of you who may be tempted to seek my counsel in an area I have absolutely no business addressing, are 10 reasons I give the worst dating advice on the planet:
- I have not dated since 1986.
- I have never, ever, broken up with anyone.
- I married my first serious boyfriend.
- I think all dates should end in mutually agreed upon good will and by that I mean either marriage or lifetime friendship.
- I think all but the most vulgar first dates deserve at least a second.
- I am not a fan of electronic breakups.
- If someone is brave enough to ask you for a date, I think you owe that person a shot.
- I believe in love at first sight, but I don’t believe in outright dismissal at first sight.
- I encourage charm, kindness, good manners, open-mindedness, fair play and morality.
- I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.