Tips for staying warm when your maple tree might explode

With apologies to my genteel Grandma Fey, I don’t wear earrings when the temperatures dips below zero.

Metal is a thermal conductor that draws heat away from your body. Even tiny earrings make your earlobes extra cold. You’ll thank me for this tip as the great winter storm we’ve been hearing so much about makes its way to your neighborhood.

I also wear big scarves. I’ve been trying to pass along this fashion tip to my young co-workers but they seem a little skeptical. They’re kind, as always, just not convinced. But a giant scarf pulls double duty in a pinch. It keeps your neck and face warm, for sure. You can also slide it over your head if you forgot (or just generally eschew) hats. And, if you happen to be of a certain age, giant scarves make excellent jowl covers.

Turtlenecks do too. I’d wear those wrinkle suckers all year round if they didn’t make me sweat. If you ask me, the best thing about frigid weather is the amount of layers you can wrap around your aging neck.

I’m also a fan of smart wool socks, corduroy pants, soft cotton shirts and thick cable sweaters. I may look like an old Irish sea captain when I head out the door, but that checks. I make a mean shepherd’s pie and I love a good sea shanty.

I like to take care of a few errands ahead of a cold snap like this.

I filled the gas tank yesterday. I’ve been told my whole life that cars start better in the cold if the gas tank is at least half full. More gas means less empty space in the tank for humid air to condense. Also, if you stand at the gas pump when it’s 15 degrees outside, you won’t have to stand there when it’s -17 with a -40 wind chill. Even in Wisconsin, we have our limits.

And, speaking of Wisconsin. If you want to feel a little better about both the frigid weather and our disappointing football season, consider this: If we would have had fewer penalties and more healthy players, fewer second half meltdowns and more field goals, we would be spending this weekend sitting on our metal seats at Lambeau.

Remember what I said about metal?

Brrrrr.

Lastly, I’d like to mention that in all my considerable years, I’ve never seen an exploding tree. I’ve never even heard of one until someone posted something about frigid weather causing trees to explode and every meteorologist in the land started mentioning that crazy phenomenon.

I think it’s nuts.

Just in case, though, I shared a kind word with the trees in our yard. If they do blow up, I want them to know they were loved (and I’d like them to aim away from our house).

If you have any tips for how you’re getting through this cold snap, let me know.

I’m all (bare) ears.