My Smart Aleck Phone

My phone has had enough of 2020.

I mean, I have too but do you see me lashing out in passive/aggressive ways meant to embarrass the only person in the world willing to gently disinfect my liquid crystal display?

No! 

That phone though. 

Yikes.

One day, as I took a vigorous walk, I received several notifications that people were liking my Facebook story. Very flattering except I have never intentionally posted a Facebook story.

Of course, I panicked. I stopped dead in my tracks and deleted the story immediately, which means I still have no idea what my fiendish phone posted. Glad you liked it (if you did), but I hope it wasn’t some random text message from our family chain. 

My phone independently calls my son periodically and I only notice when I hear his muffled voice from deep within my pocket.

“Charlie?” I say and start looking around like a crazy, maternally optimistic person.

Then I realize I’m listening to his voicemail greeting and I’ve pocket dialed him…again.

My friend Wendy politely messaged me one day.

“Did you mean to video call me?” she asked.

No. No I had not. And, when I extracted my flippant phone, I saw that I had, indeed, video called Wendy. Twice.

Another time it cryptically dm’d my friend Terri through Instagram with this message: “Kathy’s Cell Work,” and then my sister’s phone number.

I wouldn’t even have known about this sneaky subversion had Terri not responded, “?”, which caused my phone to vibrate (I now suspect with evil laughter). It took me a minute or two to extract and unlock my cackling phone, scroll through its notifications and figure out what Terri was referring to with her “?”.

I was walking (and sweating) at the time, so this required some coordination and I’m lucky I didn’t faceplant and smoosh my impish little friend. 

From refusing to notify me when I receive text messages to hiding in plain site and watching me ask for the 100th humiliating time, “Has anyone seen my phone?,” my naughty little Android has been taunting me throughout this pandemic.

It’s clear my Smart Aleck Phone and I need some intervention…or a nice long vacay in some blissful, COVID-free place.

Yes, that’s it. 

We need a reboot.

Who’s with me?