Oh, the horrors!

I invited a predator into my indoor plantar garden this summer and I am sorrier than I can say.

Like most problems I get myself into, this one grew from an altruistic intent and spiraled out of control thanks to my own insecurities.

I planted cucumber seeds earlier this spring because I felt a little foolish about all the hothouse baby cucumbers I’d been munching all winter and I wanted to give back to the earth that which I had indulgently plucked…but also because I heard they were easy to grow.

Recently, I discovered to my everlasting horror, that my cucumber vine had been wrapping its evil tentacles around all my precious innocents. Oh, the horrors!

I saw my poor basil, once the tall, proud stalwart of the group, gasping at me one morning as I watered.

“Help me,” it whispered hoarsely with that sweet pesto-breath I dearly love.

I leaned in and then reeled back in shock. Like some evil, green Superhero, the cucumber plant had lassoed a basil leaf and was squeezing hard, all the while smiling at me slyly with its pseudo-innocent yellow flowers.

“Unhand this plant at once!” I commanded and began the tedious unraveling process.

That dastardly cucumber watched me work even as, behind its back, it slowly strangled other shoots throughout my tiny garden.

Woe is me mint! And me peppers! And me oregano, the very last to fall.

So, this means war, of course.

Every morning and every evening I patrol. I apologize profusely to my struggling plants and prop them up with words and windows.

“You can do this,” I say. “Stand strong! Band together! You’ve got this.”

Then, I tenderly unravel all the evil choking that takes place between my visits.

I vowed I would not Q-tip pollinate the cucumbers because, obviously, indoor plants can’t produce fruit without bees or a little manmade intervention, right?

“That’ll show them,” I thought.

But, no! This beast regenerates on its own! Last week I spotted tiny cucumbers…that will grow…and seed…and spawn more vines….and soon my entire house will be covered in cucumber vines from the inside out.

It’s quite a pickle, no?



Avert your eyes if you’re squeamish! Just look at the gruesome struggle taking place in my innocent looking plantar garden. That brute is strangling my basil!
I had no idea cucumber plants could be this vicious. They spew their talons at innocent neighbors like some comic book villain.
The cucumber started out on the north side of this plantar, and has stealthily crept all the way around it and up the window to trap all my beautiful pepper, oregano, basil and mint plants. It’s terrifying to think how far this crazed predator will travel. I sleep with one eye open lest I wake with a cucumber vine around my neck.
And apparently, they self-generate. I’m appalled! Im furious! I’m grief stricken! I’m … hungry! (How long before that tasty morsel is ready to munch?)

2 thoughts on “Oh, the horrors!

  1. Ha! You have your own Little Shop of Horrors there! 😂 I am beyond impressed that you can grow these inside. I’m under so many trees, that I can’t even grow veggies outside. Enjoy that pickle you’ve got yourself in!

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