Guest Post, humor

In Defense (and Praise) of Sweatbands – A Guest Treatise by Charlie

by Another Slice

I have a confession to make: My head is a weird shape. No, it’s not lumpy or asymmetrical –though when my neuroses really flares up I do worry that one ear may be slightly lower than the other– the problem with my head is that hats don’t fit well upon it. I used to think that no headgear could ever look good on me until a fateful evening the spring of my sophomore year of high school.

It was the night of the annual variety show and the first performance of the Boss Crew Dancers, a comedy/dance crew  I belonged to that deserves a blog post of its own, but what’s relevant from that night for this post is that it was the first time I ever wore a sweatband and it fit me like a glove. Like a glove designed specifically for my head.

Sweatbands are a simple ring of fabric made of 90% cotton and 10% spandex, but like a crown atop a king’s head they hold special power. In fact, they’re even more powerful than that, did King Arthur’s crown ever wick sweat away from his forehead?

Right now if I wanted to I could order five sweatbands on Amazon for the low-low price of $1.99, but why would I do that when I already own ten sweatbands of my own? Each a different color or pattern, each with special meaning, each able to fit perfectly upon my head and serve as a beacon of hope, camaraderie and safety when my friends are looking for me at a crowded bar, concert hall or library.

Hipsters have their fedoras, jocks have their baseball caps, shriners have their fezzes and mimes have their berets, so why can’t the rest of us have our sweatbands? I’m not trying to be crazy. I haven’t worn a sweatband to a job interview or wedding…yet, but I dream of the day that we’ll all be able to wear sweatbands whenever we want.

It may not happen for you or me, but that doesn’t mean it’s too late for our children or children’s children. Will you join me in building this beautiful future?

90% Cotton. 10% Spandex. 100% Hope. Sweatbands of the World Unite!

Here's the only surviving picture from the fateful night I first wore a sweatband. Boss Crew 4 Life!
Here’s the only surviving picture from the fateful night I first wore a sweatband. Boss Crew 4 Life!
When my roomate Devin and I were invited to a "Euro-Trash" themed dance party, I knew my peach sweatband would be perfect
When my roomate Devin and I were invited to a “Euro-Trash” themed dance party in college, I knew my peach sweatband would be perfect
Here's a photo of my roommates and me at a Daft Punk Tribute show. I wore a sweatband because it improves my dance moves and makes me easier to find in crowded rooms
Here’s a photo of my current roommates and me at a Daft Punk Tribute show. I wore a sweatband because it improves my dance moves and makes me easier to find in crowded rooms.

At the Biskupic family reunion this summer my mom asked me why I liked wearing sweatbands so much, so I decided to let her experience the joy herself.
At the Biskupic family reunion this summer my mom asked me why I liked wearing sweatbands so much, so I decided to let her experience the joy herself.
Molly's been known to rock a sweatband from time to time too!
Molly’s been known to rock a sweatband from time to time too!