Keep your garlic cloves and keep your tomatoes closer (A Mario Puzo inspired guide to making spaghetti sauce)

The closest any member of my family has come to being Italian was a 16-month period beginning in 1985 when my mother insisted on calling my new boyfriend "Vince Scallopini". "That's the veal, Mom, not the Vince" I'd say repeatedly. She'd laugh and continue undeterred right up until our wedding when she decided "Laura Scallopini" [...]